Take This Wand and Shove It!
by Hasty
Summary: Yachiru loses a tooth, the Shinigami Women's Association loses its mind, and Nanao misplaces her dignity. T for a teeny-tiny amount of swears.


**If I owned Bleach, the characters would be even more traumatized then they are. No real spoilers. Written for the pipsqueak's birthday.**

Yachiru's birthday party was going pretty well. The ranks had been dismissed and given a dessert and sake ration each. Kenpachi had trimmed the birthday list to the Shinigami Women's Association, the top seats of Eleventh, the captains and their vice-captains, and Yachiru's playmates in Seireitei. Even so, it was quite a crowd. The attendees had to draw lots to determine who would go first.

(Soi Fong, Toshiro Hitsugaya, and Byakuya Kuchiki would be sending injured shinigami to Fourth for weeks to come. Rangiku just wouldn't let the sight of them wearing party hats go unphotographed.)

"Shadow-ji, thanks for the art set!" she squeaked. "Who's next?"

"You're welcome," Saskakibe said.

Shuhei Hisagi raised his hand. "Me. Here ya go."

He put down a mug with V.I.P. stenciled in on its side.

"I got it in the transient world."

"What's V.I.P stand for?" Yachiru asked. She'd learned a bit of English, but the abbreviations were beyond her.

"Very Important.. Pipsqueak," Ikkaku said.

She jumped.

"Ow, stupid…" Ikkaku finally managed to pry Yachiru loose. Something didn't feel right, so he rubbed his head and something little and white fell to the floor.

"See, brat, ya bit me so hard that you lost a tooth!"

"She lost a what?" Kenpachi asked, carefully hiding the chocolate-cherry cordials from Kyoraku in his pockets. Any candies with alcohol were split with Ukitake.

"That was loose anyway," Yachiru chirped.

"Not surprised, the amount of sweets that you eat.. ow!"

Kenpachi grinned. Man, she was growing up fast.

--

"Did you hear? Yachiru lost her first tooth!" Rangiku told the group. She'd forced Nanao to call an emergency meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association.

"And how does this concern us?" Nanao asked.

"We have to celebrate it of course! It's her first step on the road to adulthood!"

"Uh, Matsumoto-fukutaicho," Kiyone asked. "Does this have anything to do with that dress in the corner?"

Matsumoto grinned. "Well, one of us is going to have to be the tooth fairy, right? And it's far too tight in the chest for me."

Unohana smiled slightly. "I don't think it'll fit me."

"It'd be too small on me," Isane said. They'd shoo'd out Rukia and Nemu to play with Yachiru.

"It's too big for me," Hinamori said. Kiyone nodded-same for her.

Soi Fong glared. "I will not wear that monstrosity."

"Rangiku, why are you looking at me like that?" Nanao asked, backing up. The dress was pink, sparkly, and giving her a very bad feeling.

Rangiku pounced. Kiyone grinned and snatched up a tiara, and Isane followed her with the wings.

"Argh, no! Help! Please, someone, anyone, they've gone insane!"

--

Rukia had helpfully blackmailed Renji Abarai into revealing the guard's movements around Eleventh. Using this information, she managed to get onto the roof over the captain's quarters with no incidents. If anyone saw her in this, she'd never live it down.

Getting in through the window wasn't difficult either. Renjii had agreed to lure out the seat on "brat duty," so they wouldn't interfere. The wings did get in the way a bit.

She took a right, and slid open the door.

Yachiru was tucked in tight. Nanao shifted the wand to her left hand, and carefully moved the pillow. She had to navigate around the stuffed peacock, the stuffed crab and the wooden sword.

Yep, Yachiru's tooth was tucked under there. She grabbed the tooth and stepped out into the hallway. Yachiru shifted, and Nanao tucked her in.

Unfortunately, Renji had forgotten that Kenpachi did bed checks.

--

Kenpachi blinked at the figure below him. Nanao suspected the big captain had been operating entirely on reflex when he tackled her. He had no shortage of enemies, after all.

She struggled, but quickly came to two conclusions: struggling wouldn't get her anywhere, and that wasn't his sword digging into her side. He managed to roll off her, and both spent a minute rearranging their clothing.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Kenpachi finally asked. Why the hell was the vice-captain of Eighth prancing around at night in a tiara, wings and a PINK dress? He couldn't imagine her wearing any of those things of her free will.

"I'm supposed to be a tooth fairy," she squeaked.

"So that's what all those traps were for. I spent two hours disarming those damn things."

"Traps?"

"Yeah. Same thing happened when Ichimaru fed her a line about paperwork fairies. All we ever caught were messengers and one of Twelfth's seats. Is Yachiru all right?"

What, he seriously thought she was going to hurt Yachiru with a flimsy wooden wand? Then again, he claimed to have killed a hollow with a prop dagger.

"She's sound asleep."

"I'll walk ya out. There might be a trap or two I missed."

Now that he saw her out of uniform he realized why Kyoraku was always tryin' to get in her pants. She had gorgeous legs.

They reached the gate, and he plucked her barrette from her hair.

"Hey, give that back!" Nanao yelled.

"You want it, ya know where ta find me. See ya."

Nanao seethed. Kenpachi had stolen her barrette, Rangiku forced her into this outfit, and Renji Abarai had fed her false information. They were going to pay.

--

"Nanao, how'd it go?" Rangiku asked, looking up from her sake. "Uh.. Nanao?"

Nanao pointed a shaking finger at her: "Way of Destruction- Soketsui!"

--

The next day, Renji Abarai arrived at Eighth for kido training. Kyoraku had to carry him to Fourth to get the redhead treatment for his burns and get a wand removed. Nanao never got her barrette back. From that day on, no one ever mentioned the Tooth Fairy again.

Kenpachi decided that this nonsense about the Tooth Fairy was far too dangerous. If Yumichika got into an outfit like that, they'd never get him out of it.

Compared to that, 100 yen per tooth was a small price to pay.

**1. If Unohana says it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.**

**2. To be specific, they caught Rins. Guess what was used as bait.**

**3. 100 yen= 1 U.S. dollar. Or it did last time I checked.  
**

**Er, yeah.. I'm not quite sure where this one came from. Just count yourselves lucky it didn't involve crossdressing.**


End file.
